Perspectives...

We sit on jute chairs, facing each other,    the cup of tea steaming the ambiance. There is grass beneath our feet,    the clear sky with the magnificent stars above us. The birds sipping on the clay pot nearby,    the violet petunia stands in stillness. We don't say a word,    we just take in the silence. But we clearly recognize the moment,    the moment where everything we needed was right there. There was nothing urgent, nothing less important,    everything was just there. And there was love...

I have heard myself saying "I want this" or "I want more", so many times now that it does not seem out of place when these do come out of my mouth. As humans, we are wired to desire, to long for more. To not be satiated is the birth right! The coveted house, the zippy car, the stainless steel appliances, the new spice jars or that incredibly beautiful spatula?!?....the things that seem desirable or absolutely essential for my sane living is funny and sad at the same time. But then I took a new job which requires me to stay away from my very mediocre 2 bedroom rental, that has steadily grown on us, I must add. And it didn't really take a lot of time to set things into perspective! Not long at all! There are two things that I miss, miss in a way that the pit of my stomach hurts when I sit here in a eerie hotel room with the tv on....how glamorous  is that!  One i miss my baby....oh no matter how articulately I try to express that feeling, I will fail. Le...

...on 7th of June. It actually flew by....it only gave me a whiff...but what a whiff it was. The outpour of love from my parents and relatives was heart warming. My dad actually bought a card and scanned the copy and emailed me....wow! They also had a small party at home where they a cut and made merry...for my birthday!Its silly and great...but its so very sweet. But it was my husband of 4 months and boyfriend of 10 years who completely took me by surprise...there were a string of surprises for me that all took great effort to plan...I am sure. The details are ethched in my heart. Its moments like these that makes me halt and think of the years, the decisions, the choices....I got my family who love and adore the life out of me...hell yeah...I turned out OK!!:D

Finally it came....my wedding day. The day I was supposed to be waiting for all my life. I was supposed to be the absolute focus of the day. It was supposed to be fairy tale. It was all that....not sure about the fairy tale bit though. It was fun nonetheless. There was the expected craziness and chaos...how could we have ever done without that! There was love pouring in from all sides but not in its usual form....like my mom did not have time to sweet talk with me, but had the time to make a 7 course meal...you know what I mean. In life, expectation of a specific expression of love can kill it and it did for me sometimes. But I was repeatedly told..."things like these happen in weddings". Three things stood out for me throughout the wedding....don't get me wrong...I loved that people came from far and near, gave me a lot of money(chuckle), kinda enjoyed(I hope so)....but if I were to remember this day 20 years down the line, these three things would come to my min...

Have you experienced it? The smell of home. Its not only the smell of our physical home...it can be people, physical places, situations, memories. Those are special 'things'. They smell like home. My present abode(or lets just say the house my parents live in presently) doesn't seem like home to me. My nana's house smells like home, although a lot of those pieces have gone astray. He is gone. But when I am in that house, I feel like I was destined to be there, like I belong. Its funny because the number plate of that house is No.13 Rabindra Palli and lot of things have gone wrong in that house and continue to do so. People are convinced the famed 13 doom is working on the house and that's it gonna take everything down. I don't want to be selfish and I can never experience the hardship that my cousins and uncles and aunts face daily in that house. They have gone through unprecedented pain. But in every staircase of that house, every shelf, every nook....I find...

Its weird that even after years and years and more years..I feel an immense sense of reassurance and comfort in his voice. The hello makes me feel like the world is ok ..no matter how bad I messed up, that I will survive. Love transpires over the years...eventually it becomes more than our selves, a higher body that becomes our shield. Its a gift that the universe gives us for the years of sacrifice, patience and commitment. Its great to have the gift...its my most prized possession.

Its almost surreal to lose him...the reason I have resisted writing about my grandfather's death for almost 15 days now, is that I don't believe it. It cannot be true. I have always believed that he is immortal and that has not changed. May be its because I did not see his body burning on the pyre. For me these images are third party narrations and some part of me will always believe that they will remain just that. I don't miss him...its strange. I feel him all around. To say I loved him more than my parents will not be unjust...its the bond that became stronger every year. I thank him for most of the goodness I posses....he embedded the concept of serving others in my mind by merely living everyday and touching lives to turn them for the better. For much of my adult life i have feared one thing more than anything else....to lose him. He was the subtle strength of our family. We have weathered many storms because he was the rock which gave us shelter. I feel detached now...