Posts

Freedom

Image
Ever feel that tinge of jealousy, when you see a homeless person on a bench?
When any bench is for taking and time is of no essence,
  You stay where you stay and then move on.

Or when a bird sips from a puddle of rain water,
  and then perches atop the beautiful oak tree.
When any tree is fair game and the sky is the limit.

What is that yearning?

We don't settle when we are bound,
  but we settle for bondage in the pursuit of freedom.
We are limitless beings living in imagined boundaries.
  we don't want them, but here we are,
  creating them, fixing them, decorating them, every damn day...

Take Over

Image
My mind is heavy
  I can feel tired in my bone.
Or am I just resisting this moment
  trying to change it to something else
  or be somwhere else.

I close my eyes for a little while
  not knowing what the next moment will bring.
I take another deep breath
  and then another...

I pass control over to my breath
  unable to let my mind have the reins anymore.
The moment calms down
  in tandem with my breath.

My mind is not heavy anymore
My eyes are...

I allow slumber to take over.

Take over. Take over. Surrender. 




Bliss Blizzard

What is that moment in time that you fell in love with your child, all over again? I know when it happened to me. Yesterday. He said hi to me in the most divine way and then laid his small little head against my shoulder, turned back and smiled so wide. He couldn't have said words and described what we both were feeling, in any better way. The fact is, at that moment we we both became one. Just one soul. It was breathtaking. That moment felt timeless and just how God would feel if it were a feeling. May it (he/she) is. I don't know. I just know that a 15 month old human just showed me everything that spiritual books talk about endlessly, or what I have been seeking in my meditation practice, just in a moment that involved a twinkle in the eye, a beautiful smile and a heart filled with immense love. Amen.

Duality

Living in the duality of an ego based life and having the awareness of such living can be exasperating. The end doesnt seem to be in sight, almost feels like you can live like that forever. How do you sustain a spiritual life in the core of this drama of life? Or is that the game? I want out but I sorta enjoy the in. The duality remains. The exasperation continues as our desires take over and play boss. Always.

Finally becoming a mother

My son Nirvaan is now 13 months old. By all means, he is wiser than I think a 13 month old should be. The way he grins sheepishly as he pounds his fist on the keyboard or pushes out all my neatly arranged books from the shelf, he seems very aware of everything he is doing. 
But here is another thing that transpired. I think I truly became a mom, if there is such a thing. The last 13 months as a trainee were hard and exhausting with random spikes of pure bliss. To tell you the truth, between feeds and soreness all across, plus a full time job, it all seems a blur. Today is day 1, always. May be that’s the beauty of it. 

Every emotion means a little different now. Happy is a different happy, peace has taken a whole different guise, sad, anger, have all taken a different dimensions. I feel like a very deep part of me has evolved to a degree that’s not touching the surface yet but it’s all coming together  for that beautiful painting at the end:).

Onward...

Back to Work

Image
Today is the last day I get to be with you 24x7. I thought I would be looking forward to making this transition. After spending days getting overwhelmed about whether I am doing this right, after the killing soreness that ensues from breastfeeding, crying alone in the bathroom for no reason and not being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch for months, I really thought I would love to have some time to myself. I was excited by the thought of meeting my colleagues, having a different routine and just generally having different ambitions than making that 5oz pump bottle! But here is the thing. Something happened in the last 120 days. I fell in love. Deeply. And I have a feeling I will never be able to undo that. 
Motherhood is hard, probably the hardest thing I have undertaken. Not only did I find it hard, I doubted each move and was certain I was doing things wrong. Three months post-partum, I gave myself a B minus at the job. It’s not an easy place to be in and I found it h…

Sadness

It’s ok to be sad. yes. It’s ok to be sad. You will be sad. The day is bright and you have all the reasons to be grateful but you are sad. It may appear that the sadness arrives for no apparent reason and it stays. It rips your heart open. It mixes with wind and becomes your breath. And then your blood. And that’s ok. Feel it and let it go. Or let it stay a while and feel it longer. I get a feeling that I can decide how long I want to romance sadness. But sometimes I dont have a choice. It just stays on. And that't ok. I am ok.