The Spiritual Birth

On this path effort never goes to waste, and there is no failure. 
Even a little effort towards spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear.
                                                                 The Bhagavad Gita(2:40)

The vagaries of life are splendid. There will be numerous people to please, expectations to be met, successes to be had, money to be earned, house to be built, the greatest car  to be bought...I could go on and on but I will still miss out on the expansive but extremely superficial outer world. The Gita calls it maya and it has no less splendor than a grand opera. The more twists and turns, the more emotions it conjures, the more interesting the show is for the audience.

So why did I venture outside of the show?...because I was not having fun anymore. In many respects, I lived a life which would make for a good movie, with its highs and lows. The definitions of success that were defined to me were mostly all met. The toil and the hard work for a better future was the only thing that drove me. The ideals of heroes of the past and the future, some famous some not, were put forth to meet. At every milestone I was told that life will only get better once I reached the next milestone. I kept up with it for many many milestones, living only for a better future. The present had minuscule value, if any. It was all a haze and I couldn't wait to meet the future of my dreams, I couldn't wait to be happy.

At the age of 27, I had met most expectations, lived up to most ideals, possessed things that would define me as successful. There was everything! I expected to be blown away with peace and happiness, to feel so complete that I did not need anything else under the sun, to feel the lightness in my body I hadn't felt for years, to laugh often and experience not having any expectations. I felt none of that. In fact I felt a void, a physical sense of hollowness. For a few months, I questioned often "Is this it?". "Is this really it?". The cycle of earning and buying was getting boring and that was the only definition of success I had understood. When you earn more, you buy more and more things make you happy. Frankly, I had never known a more stupid way of living. And I wondered why I thought this plan would ever work out. As expected, I did not get any answers.

Something inside advised that there is something more. Something more I needed to do....that's it. I also had a vague understanding that this 'more' was infinitely important to discover, more important than anything that I have ever done or will ever do. That's all I got  for a year and a half. I functioned in a stupor during this time, having immense trouble relating to my family, friends and co-workers. Especially my work, my job. The thoughts about the uselessness of the job, which was just another milestone in my life was driving me nuts. The confidence that my job in the world would add nothing to ease the discomfort I felt inside was not helping my so called productivity.

The heaviness in my heart, the urgency I felt inside was so strong that it would make me cry often. I remember very distinctly the day I folded my hands in front of the small deities I have in my house. I was sobbing profusely. The only things I could utter were "I surrender to you. Please show me the way. Point me to answers". I remember stumbling upon a friend who suggested a book of a very famous life coach in the US. I explored the Laws of Attraction by virtue of it. I put the laws to test and they seemed to work. Splendid! I still didn't make me feel very whole. It was just another milestone. The money was more than I had ever hoped for but I didn't mean much to me. So, the laws of attraction worked for me but it also failed me at the very core. I kept exploring. Devouring of books continued. Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, Steven Taylor, Shri Ramana Maharishi, Neale Donald Walsh, the Dalai Lama became my friends and I listened to every You Tube video I found of them.

Initially, everything seemed very esoteric, but it seemed like what I am reading is also the truth. Things started presenting themselves, the next book to read was always a cue from something I was currently reading. In a strange way I was reassured that I am being ushered, into something. After 2 years of seeking answers, I was finally getting somewhere. There was a certain lightness, an understanding that I was right to believe that there is a higher truth, that the world we live in is the outside and there is this whole realm of awesomeness inside that's ready to be discovered. It gave me a perspective that I had never had before and I started reviewing  my entire teenage and adolescence with this new found wisdom. There was a certain awareness, a new dimension that helped analyze certain poignant situations in my life up till then. A certain part of me was angry that no one helped me with their wisdom, they just led me on. I felt distraught that I had led a very ego based life till now and the society just helped to strengthen it. And then a thought struck me - what if I write notes to my 15 year old self. This would be my way of making up for not being there for her when she needed this wisdom. In the process, I hope these notes will resonate with other 15 year olds at some level.

Don't get me wrong, I am no more enlightened than the next person. In fact I am still struggling with the web of predefined mind patterns that continue to surface throughout the day. Each day is a challenge and an opportunity to convert a pattern and have a better relationship with my thoughts. It doesn't help that this journey is one of great solitude. You wont find many friends and family who can relate to you at this level. Needless to say that there is still much to discover and I am a lifelong student of all the masters I mentioned in this note and you will find me discussing their ideas throughout my notes/posts.  In that sense, I believe that my notes are not an original piece of work but an extension of my studies. 

 I am on a journey into myself. I don't know the destination and  I strongly feel it doesn't exist. But I have developed an awareness that we all have capability to nurture. This small awareness has the power to change mankind. We are reaching a time in history where human extinction due to wars and climatic changes seems impending. I cannot change the course of history but we can all rise up to the occasion and kindle a deeper awareness of who we really are - the only way we can save us from us...