Perspectives...

Its weird that even after years and years and more years..I feel an immense sense of reassurance and comfort in his voice. The hello makes me feel like the world is ok ..no matter how bad I messed up, that I will survive. Love transpires over the years...eventually it becomes more than our selves, a higher body that becomes our shield. Its a gift that the universe gives us for the years of sacrifice, patience and commitment. Its great to have the gift...its my most prized possession.

I have pangs of pain while driving back from work....I get flashes of dadu. It scares me because its so strong. It almost jolts me to believe he is dead. Why do we hate denial? Denial is good...it helps you create a semblance of sanity. Because wait it out as much as you like....reality hits the door sooner than expected. Life is so fascinating. The small intricate complexities.....they are like colors. There is so much variety when an emotion merges into another....its spectrum is much wider than a rainbow.

Its almost surreal to lose him...the reason I have resisted writing about my grandfather's death for almost 15 days now, is that I don't believe it. It cannot be true. I have always believed that he is immortal and that has not changed. May be its because I did not see his body burning on the pyre. For me these images are third party narrations and some part of me will always believe that they will remain just that. I don't miss him...its strange. I feel him all around. To say I loved him more than my parents will not be unjust...its the bond that became stronger every year. I thank him for most of the goodness I posses....he embedded the concept of serving others in my mind by merely living everyday and touching lives to turn them for the better. For much of my adult life i have feared one thing more than anything else....to lose him. He was the subtle strength of our family. We have weathered many storms because he was the rock which gave us shelter. I feel detached now...

Wonder what makes things difficult....the fact the we are aware that this is supposed to be difficult or because people say its difficult or we absolutely believe in our inability to overcome challenges...

I have visions of my loved ones passing away. Not in a bad way but just as a sort of a preparation. Its my biggest scare...to lose someone...to never be able to see someone. And it happened today. My jethu...my dad's brother passed away today because of a heart attack. There are very very few times when my dad's voice quivers over the phone. First was when my grandmother passed away and second was today when his brother did. When I heard the voice, I knew something was wrong. And all the people who are either sick or old in the family, crossed my mind. I felt like my body got prepared to listen to something really grim in a matter of a few seconds. When he told me, I felt like I already knew but still could not register it. I was made aware of how everything transpired and there was this silence after the phone call ended. I felt like, this is it! Its been a while I had seen him...much longer than I would have desired because he truly was one of the best human beings with a gol...

Its weird....since I have been in the United States, all I have ever wanted was to have a good job! Its been a long winding road and very very challenging, courtesy the US economy. But now that I have the job, all I want to do is sleep on the mother's lap, have chai with dad and talk about USSR, attend family wedding and arrange for dance sequences for family parties. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job! Not at all. On the contrary, I am loving it. Its great fun and a lot of learning. I guess I just lack purpose now. There is no challenge to overcome, I cant find reasons to stay oceans away from my family. I want to be by my mom when she cant get up due to her arthritis attack, when dad pretends he is OK when he is in pain...I want to be there. It feels selfish to be enjoying the fruits of their hard work. Cant wait to be back!!

I feel sorry about the fact that I did not know about this case for more than a decade. It is shameful that as an Indian and as a woman, I had no idea that someone went through so much in a small lifetime. But may be I should not because the judiciary of India has also just woken up to the case. For fellow Indians living abroad like me who are unaware of her story, Ruchika was a 16 year girl who committed suicide after being molested by a DGP who was the head of the tennis association where she played. The catch is that she did not commit suicide just after being molested but tried fighting it and standing upto a perverted pseudo government official. The latter tried everything to harass the family, from torturing her 10 year old brother after he was framed for theft and locked up to getting Ruchika expelled from her school. And there always were the threats, warnings and other mental tortures. Her brother was beaten up mercilessly in in front of her and her father in their own house...