Perspectives...

What is that moment in time that you fell in love with your child, all over again? I know when it happened to me. Yesterday. He said hi to me in the most divine way and then laid his small little head against my shoulder, turned back and smiled so wide. He couldn't have said words and described what we both were feeling, in any better way. The fact is, at that moment we we both became one. Just one soul. It was breathtaking. That moment felt timeless and just how God would feel if it were a feeling. May it (he/she) is. I don't know. I just know that a 15 month old human just showed me everything that spiritual books talk about endlessly, or what I have been seeking in my meditation practice, just in a moment that involved a twinkle in the eye, a beautiful smile and a heart filled with immense love. Amen. 

Living in the duality of an ego based life and having the awareness of such living can be exasperating. The end doesnt seem to be in sight, almost feels like you can live like that forever. How do you sustain a spiritual life in the core of this drama of life? Or is that the game? I want out but I sorta enjoy the in. The duality remains. The exasperation continues as our desires take over and play boss. Always. 

My son Nirvaan is now 13 months old. By all means, he is wiser than I think a 13 month old should be. The way he grins sheepishly as he pounds his fist on the keyboard or pushes out all my neatly arranged books from the shelf, he seems very aware of everything he is doing.  But here is another thing that transpired. I think I truly became a mom, if there is such a thing. The last 13 months as a trainee were hard and exhausting with random spikes of pure bliss. To tell you the truth, between feeds and soreness all across, plus a full time job, it all seems a blur. Today is day 1, always. May be that’s the beauty of it.  Every emotion means a little different now. Happy is a different happy, peace has taken a whole different guise, sad, anger, have all taken a different dimensions. I feel like a very deep part of me has evolved to a degree that’s not touching the surface yet but it’s all coming together  for that beautiful painting at the end:). Onward...

Today is the last day I get to be with you 24x7. I thought I would be looking forward to making this transition. After spending days getting overwhelmed about whether I am doing this right, after the killing soreness that ensues from breastfeeding, crying alone in the bathroom for no reason and not being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch for months, I really thought I would love to have some time to myself. I was excited by the thought of meeting my colleagues, having a different routine and just generally having different ambitions than making that 5oz pump bottle! But here is the thing. Something happened in the last 120 days. I fell in love. Deeply. And I have a feeling I will never be able to undo that.  Motherhood is hard, probably the hardest thing I have undertaken. Not only did I find it hard, I doubted each move and was certain I was doing things wrong. Three months post-partum, I gave myself a B minus at the job. It’s not an easy place to be in an...

It’s ok to be sad. yes. It’s ok to be sad. You will be sad. The day is bright and you have all the reasons to be grateful but you are sad. It may appear that the sadness arrives for no apparent reason and it stays. It rips your heart open. It mixes with wind and becomes your breath. And then your blood. And that’s ok. Feel it and let it go. Or let it stay a while and feel it longer. I get a feeling that I can decide how long I want to romance sadness. But sometimes I dont have a choice. It just stays on. And that't ok. I am ok.

Our core relationships...as a wife, husband, parent, an an opportunity for us to allow the flowering of the human potential. Can I allow and even encourage my husband to be the best version of himself? Can I help my son bring forth his true spirit into the world? Do I have that in me? The ego in me doesnt. So, I need to encourage the spirit in me to rise to the occasion. May be thats where I will start:). 

Today is the first day of another year of my life. But it is not just another year. It's a year I create. Create life. And that's a very big deal that I cannot fathom even though I write it down. But life granted me the gift of creation and I am near certain that life and this wondorous universe will aid me to grow with this gift. To grow and learn into a woman, the giam, mother earth as I learn from my son everyday. To understand the potential of the human life and to be able to continuously create - from my mind, my thoughts, my womb - there is no end to creating. Thats my raw self, as a woman, as a human. The Creation becomes the humble Creator.