Back to Work

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Today is the last day I get to be with you 24x7. I thought I would be looking forward to making this transition. After spending days getting overwhelmed about whether I am doing this right, after the killing soreness that ensues from breastfeeding, crying alone in the bathroom for no reason and not being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch for months, I really thought I would love to have some time to myself. I was excited by the thought of meeting my colleagues, having a different routine and just generally having different ambitions than making that 5oz pump bottle! But here is the thing. Something happened in the last 120 days. I fell in love. Deeply. And I have a feeling I will never be able to undo that. 

Motherhood is hard, probably the hardest thing I have undertaken. Not only did I find it hard, I doubted each move and was certain I was doing things wrong. Three months post-partum, I gave myself a B minus at the job. It’s not an easy place to be in and I found it hard to dig deep with hardly any sleep in my system. But at my lowest, you have carried me through and helped me learn everything I had to. You also gave me cues what the minimal viable learning required was so I could save my energy to do other things. Now that I look back at it, when I had you on my shoulder, I was the one leaning on you and not the other way around. You somehow understood when I told you I am breaking down now or when I apologized for not deciphering your crying cues in time. In the moments when I have been the weakest, you curled up your tiny little fingers against mine and told me that with time it will be all ok. And it was. 

It has been an awesome partnership, tiny fella! Despite all the mistakes I have made as a new mom, I have grown as a human being. The greatest learning has been humility. I am humbled by how much I still have to learn, how I can't control everything, how everything comes at its own time, how love is sort of infinite and the ridiculous magnificence of human life - so tender and fragile but yet so resilient. Growing life inside and outside is a humongous privilege that I don't take lightly. I realize that you are teaching me skills I need for the next chapter of my life and I am eternally grateful. Motherhood has taught me to humbly serve in ways I could never know. 

And oh that smile....that smile....

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