Relationships that Nurture

“Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself”

                                                                                                                        Oprah Winfrey

A large part of our lives is about relationships. Human connect is an important part of our ethos and there is no question that it makes life worthwhile. There is no beginning or end to when we start forming relationships but if we take any point in our aware lives, we are usually in the midst of multiple relationships which are at various levels of intimacy and familiarity. In my view, there are two kinds of relationships -there are those that you feel a pull for and those where you push yourself into them. Most of the time, our lives are a mix of push and pull relationships.

The push ones are characteristically inorganic in nature. They may start off at a good note but there seems to be an agenda underlying the foundation of these relationships. There is an understanding that the relationship will blossom other openings and opportunities for the parties involved. Sometimes, there is an intense physical attraction or we compromise to build a social pressure based relationship. The uneasy thing about these relationships is in fact the uneasiness around them. There is significant effort required to keep them working. But more importantly, we can feel the effort in our bones. There is an indelible misalignment that we feel around them and although we cannot put a finger on it, there is a constant feeling that something is not right no matter how much we want to shove that feeling aside. Truth be told, we are not ourselves in these relationships and are being stretched like a play-doh just so we can fit into the pictures that we share of how we should be to make the relationship work.

Then there is the other kind. The pull ones have a certain simplicity around them – you meet someone once and you feel “ahhh”. The breathing slows down and there is no effort involved. We feel like we can just sink in our backs and put our hand, well anywhere we want to. Feelings of liberation, belonging and oneness pervades through our body and stays. Our body feels safe and nurtured. These relationships may involve fights, challenging conversations and disappointments, but never an expectation to fundamentally change into a different person. They provide us a sense of detachment even in the midst of an obvious attachment. Most importantly, the relationship creates a space to allow us to be who we are. This space, as I see it now with the worrisome adolescence behind me, is supremely important for exploring our faculties and growing into who we are – as an individual and as a participant of pivotal relationships in our lives.

The push and pull dwells within us as well. Our relationship to our own selves plays out in the center of the other relationships of our lives.  Growing up, I pushed to change myself to fit into an idea of who I should be. All the while, I wanted to pull my own true self and bring it to the forefront. As a young adult, I consistently ignored one for the other so that I could fit into social pictures that were shown to me from my very childhood. What I should wear, who I should hang out with, what my mannerisms should be, what I should like and dislike and the sundry. All this while, a part of me just knew who I am and that everything else is someone else’s pictures. I believe a lot of the complexity of adolescence is a result of this tug of war within us.

The same stands for relationships with places where we work or volunteer at. I love going to work because I can be my whole self without putting on a “workday” mask. My mentors, managers and peers experience and appreciate the same “me”. I have not had success with separate masks in the past.  I surround myself with projects that complement my true self and clients that bring their authentic selves to work and respect me for bringing my own.

I realize that time is running out and with the current uncertainties of the world affairs, I see no reason to not be who I am; and absolutely no reason to dwell on relationships that do not nurture me and appreciate me for who I am. I realize the investment of my time (and money) is best spent on listening to and nurturing myself and then on relationships near and far. If this idea is selfish to me and others, I remind myself that all the malice in the world starts from us denying ourselves the permission to grow into our own individual self and then pushing the cart through the precipice by participating in relationships with a well made false self that cuts the placenta all together. If we are misaligned within, we can never be at peace in relationships. 

I now realize that charity truly begins at home. We owe ourselves the highest love. And that is to acknowledge that we are deserving of the best – from ourselves and others.