Perspectives...

Ever analyzed the wave of emotions when dreams come true...its one of those days for me. There is a rush, the shiver, the plateau and then the search for the next dream. Lets go searching...whats next Priyanka??

Are you looking for that perfect person for yourself? How was that perception created? Books...movies....friends talking about their perfect halves? Love somehow gets lost in all of this. It's unable to stand up against its biggest nemesis...the perception of the perfect partner. Because love is the quieter one, less conspicuous, it speaks less and does more. Its a constant battle which perception could have always easily won, only if perception was not so vain. Love always comes through, it's the anchor that fights for you through the worst storms. It wins because its pure and honest. Love is indeed the choice we make. The choice can be hard since the first impression of love doesn't sweep the ground away. It stands at distance and looks out for you. But the choice is rewarding. Its a reward for you to have chosen honesty over vanity....the prospect of long term happiness over a few adrenaline rushes.

Have you experienced it? The smell of home. Its not only the smell of our physical home...it can be people, physical places, situations, memories. Those are special 'things'. They smell like home. My present abode(or lets just say the house my parents live in presently) doesn't seem like home to me. My nana's house smells like home, although a lot of those pieces have gone astray. He is gone. But when I am in that house, I feel like I was destined to be there, like I belong. Its funny because the number plate of that house is No.13 Rabindra Palli and lot of things have gone wrong in that house and continue to do so. People are convinced the famed 13 doom is working on the house and that's it gonna take everything down. I don't want to be selfish and I can never experience the hardship that my cousins and uncles and aunts face daily in that house. They have gone through unprecedented pain. But in every staircase of that house, every shelf, every nook....I find...

Its weird that even after years and years and more years..I feel an immense sense of reassurance and comfort in his voice. The hello makes me feel like the world is ok ..no matter how bad I messed up, that I will survive. Love transpires over the years...eventually it becomes more than our selves, a higher body that becomes our shield. Its a gift that the universe gives us for the years of sacrifice, patience and commitment. Its great to have the gift...its my most prized possession.

I have pangs of pain while driving back from work....I get flashes of dadu. It scares me because its so strong. It almost jolts me to believe he is dead. Why do we hate denial? Denial is good...it helps you create a semblance of sanity. Because wait it out as much as you like....reality hits the door sooner than expected. Life is so fascinating. The small intricate complexities.....they are like colors. There is so much variety when an emotion merges into another....its spectrum is much wider than a rainbow.

Its almost surreal to lose him...the reason I have resisted writing about my grandfather's death for almost 15 days now, is that I don't believe it. It cannot be true. I have always believed that he is immortal and that has not changed. May be its because I did not see his body burning on the pyre. For me these images are third party narrations and some part of me will always believe that they will remain just that. I don't miss him...its strange. I feel him all around. To say I loved him more than my parents will not be unjust...its the bond that became stronger every year. I thank him for most of the goodness I posses....he embedded the concept of serving others in my mind by merely living everyday and touching lives to turn them for the better. For much of my adult life i have feared one thing more than anything else....to lose him. He was the subtle strength of our family. We have weathered many storms because he was the rock which gave us shelter. I feel detached now...

Wonder what makes things difficult....the fact the we are aware that this is supposed to be difficult or because people say its difficult or we absolutely believe in our inability to overcome challenges...